


A Period of Transformation

by mxtt216



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Complete, F/F, High School AU, Lesbian AU, Oneshot, Trans Katya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 05:00:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14441895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxtt216/pseuds/mxtt216
Summary: Love and Trixie.Two words that fell together effortlessly in Katya’s mind. Wrapped up together with a neat bow, taunting her with everything she couldn’t have.A look back over the past few months between Trixie and Katya and how everything had changed between them.





	A Period of Transformation

Looking over the past few months, Katya could only marvel at the progress she had made. A period of transformation and growth that now found her curled up in soft pink bedsheets, dressed in some faux-silk pyjamas that had been bought from the women’s section of a local thrift store and her arms crossed lazily around the other woman she had considered her best friend for as long as she could remember.

Katya remembered the week she first came out to Trixie well, and smiled in contentment at how far things had come along for them both in just a couple of months.

* * *

When you have a secret, something that’s wrapped up in everything you are but you refuse to share with anyone, everything feels heavier.   
Simple everyday things- walking through the school corridors getting smiles from different people who you know wouldn't give you a second glance if they knew the truth- were like weights tied to your ankles dragging you down into your own personal hell.

“Hey!” Katya turned to face the familiar voice, and internally groaned at the sight of the ever bubbly Trixie Mattel practically skipping towards her “how’re you?”

That was another thing that felt tough when you had a secret, friendships.  
Trixie had been growing up right alongside Katya since they were babies, their mothers had often arranged play dates between the children, and soon enough the pair were inseparable. Right up until these past few months, that is.  
Katya had started to withdraw and pull away from Trixie - from _everyone_ really, but especially Trixie, because she just couldn’t face being honest with her. How do you tell your best friend, someone who’s practically family, that you aren’t who they think you are?

“Hi Trix, I’m good, you?” the blonde tried to avoid Trixie’s gaze by busying herself in her locker

“Yeah I’m okay too, Mom said she missed you at dinner though”

They had often had dinner together, with Katya avoiding going home and Trixie nothing short of delighted to have her best friend around as close to 24/7 they could get.

She missed Trixie, she missed dinner with the Mattels- the noises from the loud house was a stark contrast to her own, which she’d grown to hate. Maybe because she loved being at Trixie’s so much.

 _Love_ and _Trixie_ .  
Two words that fell together effortlessly in Katya’s mind. Wrapped up together with a neat bow, taunting her with everything she couldn’t have.

“Are you coming to the LGBT club meeting tonight?” Trixie asked, breaking the silence that had gotten awkward between them.

Katya felt sick at the thought. She’d stopped going to those lately too, the place where she should have felt safe, where she _should_ have been able to be completely honest, be herself. But she wasn’t. Just as she was to everyone else, at the meetings she was seen as a boy. It was her own fault really, she should have told them- after all, it’d been months now. She’d been questioning for what felt like years, but it was the end of summer just gone when she finally accepted that this was who she was. There was a fear around admitting it she just couldn’t handle though.

Admitting it made it real. She wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

“Probably not Trix, I’m super busy-” she wasn’t technically lying, she did have two essays due this week, both of which she hadn’t started and it was already Tuesday.

“Bullshit Brian! You’re avoiding us all, you’re avoiding _me_ ”

The hurt in Trixie’s voice should have been what stood out to Katya, it should have caused the guilt to twist inside her and bite angrily at her conscience- but it didn’t. Her overriding feeling of sickness and guilt was at the use of her birthname, a name she’d so desperately tried to distance herself from lately. The fact it’d just fell from Trixie’s perfectly glossed pink lips left an almost metallic taste in Katya’s mouth. None of this was right.

“I’m not” she defended weakly, but Trixie just scoffed, her anger at the situation blindingly obvious. There was another brief silence and Katya noticed Trixie taking a steadying breath.

“I can’t fight you, I really can’t honey” the pet name comforted Katya, it was one she favoured to her birthname, for obvious reasons, but especially when it was spoken in the way Trixie had just said it. Filled with love, compassion- something that could be used as a reminder of their rapidly deteriorating friendship.  
“Can’t we just talk?”

It was a plea. Katya imagined this was the type of desperation heard from innocent people who had been falsely accused of committing a crime, or from a mother who needed to see her child but had been banished to an ER waiting room.  
It unraveled her. Briefly in that moment she wanted to let out the tears that had quickly started to pool in her eyes and admit everything to the woman she _knew_ would accept her, but she couldn’t. Not now, and definitely not here.

“I’ll come to the meeting” she suddenly announced as she swallowed the lump that had formed and stuck in her throat, leaving her voice somewhat gravelly- she hated it “it’s at six right?”

Trixie’s mood shifted instantly and she grabbed her friends hand and gave it an excited squeeze- Katya smiled slightly at the gesture. Both because the other blonde had remembered she wasn’t overly comfortable with physical affection lately and hugs had been something of a rarity, but mostly because it felt like a small step towards how their friendship had been before.

“It’s six, the usual room!”

Later that day Katya had slowly smoked two cigarettes out the back of the school before dragging herself back inside and into hallway, down towards room 13V, their usual meeting room. It felt out of place for her to be walking down here again. She’d made a point of almost avoiding this whole corridor especially over the past few weeks for fear of bumping into anyone from the club who she would have to talk to. As much as she enjoyed all of their company, she didn’t feel able to offer an explanation as to what was happening with her, so avoidance was her best strategy.

She checked her phone as she approached the last corner she needed to round before she was there- 6.07pm, not too late, but not early either. A good way to avoid small talk.

She stopped instantly in her tracks as she heard a familiar voice, even from around the corner

“Are you sure he’s coming Trixie?”  
It was Adore. A loud-mouth, but that description was meant in the most affectionate way. Katya actually really liked them- in fact she had considered more than once disclosing her gender identity to them, she had figured they’d at least understand, since they were under the trans umbrella themselves.

“He said he would Adore, but i-d-k” Trixie’s voice seemed further away but Katya was still able to catch what she said and it made her smile fondly, she’d really missed being around Trixie.

Adore made a comment about Trixie spelling out the ‘I don’t know’ acronym, and called her a ‘basic bitch’ as Katya finally gathered together the courage to walk into the room and she hadn’t quite been prepared for the welcome she received. There were choruses of her birthname in surprise from most of the members, accompanied by a welcome back from the clubs Chairperson, Ben, who offered her a small smile as she pulled up a chair beside Trixie. She waved awkwardly at him trying to thank him for the welcome.

They’d all spilt into cliques in the group, but the ability to all get along was still there, everyone just seemed to have their favourite people.  
Trixie had joined up with Justin, or Alaska as he was better known to all of his friends - why Katya wasn’t sure- but she went along with it, and he smiled softly at Katya as she sat next to them both.

The opposite side of the room saw Violet chatting with Bob. Two people Katya didn’t know terribly well, although again, in her moments of desperation and attempts to be open with those around her, she considered approaching Violet to talk about her gender, since they were out to the whole school as nonbinary. A fact that Katya admired greatly, she wished she had their confidence.

Adore was the clubs Vice Chairperson, and they were attempting to show Ben why his slideshow wasn’t opening, but technology was somewhat of a challenge for him- a trait which Katya found endearing.

It took another couple of minutes of Ben fumbling with the projector, which he’d come to label _‘nothing but a nuisance’_ , but eventually he seemed to get the slideshow on tonights topic up on the screen.

“My specialist subject!” Adore exclaimed, the delight shining through in their voice and Bob laughed a little at them, but he was also smiling which reassured Katya slightly.  
One look at the screen sent any sense of calmness that had been surfacing inside her dropping straight back down, printed in neat bold font across the screen was - **“Trans 101”**.

Katya’s blood ran cold, and with everything in her she wanted to run out the door and not look back. But she couldn’t do that, it looked suspect. As much as she wanted to leave, she stayed, and just swallowed down her guilt at keeping herself a secret from everyone in the room.

* * *

Thinking back to how deathly afraid she had been to confide in Trixie filled her with regret, but she tried not to be too hard on herself about her past decisions as she had begun to think that everything happened for a reason. Sure, it’d taken some time to tell Trixie about who she really was - and ironically it happened on the spur of the moment, but she _did it_ \- and that was what counted after all.

As she pressed a kiss against the sleeping Trixie’s forehead, she let her mind cast back to the evening of her coming out.

* * *

Everything was nicer when you’re younger, or so Katya had decided as she lay in bed, wrapped up in her pastel blue blanket. 

Of course, she was looking back with rose tinted glasses, with nostalgia clouding her sense of reality because she _knew_ for a fact there was not much of a difference between things then and now. That didn’t mean she wanted to accept that.

She’d spent more of that week ignoring Trixie, or passing her off being and civil with her- treatment the other girl didn’t understand or deserve but clearly didn’t feel she could challenge and Katya wasn’t running forward with an explanation. Something switched in her tonight though, it’d been a normal day in school- busy but okay, but Katya still wound up battling a panic attack and muffling her crying on her bedroom floor. After all she couldn’t risk her father hearing her sobs - because she’d have to face into another _‘men don’t cry’_ lecture from the strict man she’d grown to fear.

 _Men don’t cry._  
There was so much wrong with that statement, more than the fact that Katya wasn’t a man. She wondered who had said men couldn’t cry- crying is a natural response, a release, often a comfort. Why limit it? What was wrong with any person letting down their walls and being vulnerable? It was boggling.  
With a heavy sigh and wiping away what seemed to be the last of her tears Katya pulled herself together and stood from her position on the bed.

She scanned the room, trying her best to ignore the car decals her Father had insisted they stick all over the rooms walls when it was getting redone back a few years ago. Shades of blue and white combined as well as the black car outlines and Katya could only laugh, she hated the harsh designs back then just as much as she does now. Only now she wished the walls could be splattered in shades of red and white- possibly blurring to create pinks in places.

She wondered how much longer she could keep this a secret. It wasn’t fair on her, it made her mental health so much worse, sure she didn’t feel _ready_ but do you ever feel one hundred percent ready?  
Telling her parents wasn’t an option. Her father was a violent man, albeit usually only when he had been to his poker nights and drank, but it was a risk Katya couldn’t take. She wouldn’t be labelled a _queer_ by him and be used as an open target. Her mother was slightly less of a risk, but Katya figured she had enough to handle in keeping tabs on her husband, and anyway they were never a close knit, traditional family, so who knew how this admission could be taken?

She could approach Violet or Adore again, but they weren’t good friends and she worried about not having control over her secret anymore by telling someone so removed from her life.  
In reality then, that left her with Trixie. Trixie was the perfect person to tell, her lifelong best friend that she trusted with her life. It would also help Katya explain her behaviour lately and might lead Trixie to consider forgiving her, at least that was the hope.

Two hours later, and under the pretences she had a History essay to work on with Trixie - she found herself away from her parents and outside the Mattels front door. This was a familiar position, and usually Katya faced the faded white paneling with a feeling of calm, or happiness- not the fear and anxiety that was rising inside her currently.

It took just seconds after her knock and she was greeted by a smiling Ms. Mattel, who looked nothing short of ecstatic to see Katya again.

“Oh honey! You’re back!” she ruffled Katya’s hair, a move that made Katya feel like she was around eight years old, but still somehow made her smile “our Trixie has missed you dear, and she’s been in such a sour mood! I’d really hoped you’d both sort out your little tift soon”

That made Katya wonder just how badly Trixie had been feeling lately, or how much she’d told her mother. She imagined Trixie being upset because of all of this, she briefly wondered if Trixie had cried about it or if that solemn expression paired with glassy eyes that caused an ache in Katya’s heart on the rare occasions she’d witnessed it had fallen over the younger girls soft features that usually looked as if they were built to home happiness. That didn’t help her feelings of guilt.

“She’s just upstairs, you know the way!”

Katya followed the creaky stairs up the path to Trixie’s room, a route she could make with her eyes closed. If she hadn’t already known which room was which however, there was no mistake on which was Trixie’s. Her door had been hand painted by herself and her stepfather back a few years ago a shade of bright pink that was very predictably Trixie. For a fleeting moment Katya envied the family environment Trixie enjoyed. Everything about the Mattel household screamed love and support - even between Trixie and her siblings. She was lucky.

Katya lifted a hand and knocked at the door- there was a time where she could walk straight in without Trixie batting an eyelash, and she had often walked straight in, but she didn’t feel that offer was still extended to her while they were sharing their current dynamic.

“Mom, I told you I’m okay! I’m not upset, I just need some time-”  
Despite her protests of not being upset, Katya heard the truth in her voice, it was really only something she picked up on because she knew Trixie so well, the girl had hid her emotions well. Although Katya suddenly wished she didn’t cause her to have to do that.

Katya hesitated out loud, with a _‘umm’_ sound, and she didn’t have time to add anymore before Trixie had opened the door.  
“What are you doing here?”  
It wasn’t an accusation, although Katya figured she would have deserved if it had been offered as one.

“Can I talk to you about something Trix?” she just barely managed to stop the wobble in her voice, as she raked her fingers through her short - yet, acceptably passable-feminine hairstyle.  
The question hung between them, as Katya silently waited in the hope she wouldn’t be rejected. If this conversation didn’t happen now she didn’t think it ever would, once this sudden burst of courage and spontaneity was gone, it was gone, and it took her chances of coming out with it.

Trixie didn’t answer verbally, instead she stood back and offered space for Katya to walk in. She seemed confused, but Katya supposed that was to be expected.   
Immediately, the older girl made her way of to Trixie’s tall window and she sat into the ledge that extended from it, but never turned to face Trixie again, her anxiety not letting her. She stumbled over some filler words,’ _umms’_ and _‘ahhs’_ , as she tried to gather herself- silently cursing the fact she hadn’t planned out exactly what to say once she got here.

“Brian, what’s going on? I’m really worried-” Trixie started, giving Katya the perfect opportunity to cut in

“Trixie, I’m transgender”

Katya couldn’t breathe. Trixie didn’t either, they both just held their positions in complete silence- that was until Trixie barrelled across the room and came face to face with Katya as she sat into the window.  
“Oh honey, thank you for telling me”

It was a response Katya hadn’t expected, although she hadn’t really thought about any potential response she could have gotten in her spur of the moment decision to do this over the past few hours.

“I was so afraid to tell you” she continued “and I’m so sorry I’ve been such a bitch lately, I have no idea what I’ve been doing- but I think I just couldn’t be around you while I was hiding this. I couldn’t lie to you Trix”

“Br-” Trixie stopped herself immediately from saying the only name she knew her friend by, but the one she imagined the girl didn’t like to hear  
“You don’t need to worry about that anymore, I just thought I’d done something to upset you, it’s nice to have an explanation. Is there anything I can do? A name I could use- even just between us?”

In that moment Trixie appreciated the Transgender 101 presentation Adore gave in the last meeting. As much as she had considered herself an ally to the trans community, she really didn’t know as much as she probably should have.

Katya offered the biggest smile Trixie had seen from her in months at her question. She always loved her best friends smile, it had a way of making Trixie smile right along with it.

“Katya, I’d love if you’d call me Katya”

* * *

Trixie let out a grumble that highlighted just how sleepy she still was, but it didn’t stop her pressing a return kiss against Katya’s arm- the nearest area of exposed skin to her in that moment.

“Katya, you aren’t sleeping” her voice was rough, but it still made Katya’s heart skip a beat. It wasn’t often she got to hear her name out loud, but everytime she did she felt a swell of happiness rise in her heart. More than that, more than just hearing her name from the younger girls pale pink lips, everything about Trixie made Katya happy. Thinking back, she wonders if she always felt this level of love for Trixie, if it was under the surface but Katya wrote it off as friendship feelings to avoid getting her heart broken.

That must have been it she decided, after all, until recently she never did feel that there was a chance for anything more than friendship with Trixie.

* * *

As much as Katya had wished being there felt right, as much as she had hoped walking into the womens section of the store, that Trixie had good naturedly brought her to, would feel right, it didn’t. She stuck out, sorely. Although she was sure she was exaggerating, it didn’t ease the feeling of everyone's eyes on her. What must they be thinking? Were they labelling her as something _wrong_ , or pitying her? Did they want to hurt her? That was a fear she figured she’d have to carry from now on.

“Kat! Look at this one!” Trixie pointed towards the deep red dress that Katya did have to admit was very on brand for her. The patterns printed across the flowing bottom half of the garment were bold to say the least, and Katya knew she’d buy it if this was an ideal world, but it wasn’t. All she could focus on was her broad shoulders, and how it’d be a feat trying to pull the dress on over them. How the feminine cut fabric would look slightly out of place against her straight frame. This wasn’t an ideal world because she wasn’t the ideal woman- she wasn’t really a woman at all - or at least that’s how she felt.

The tears rushed to her eyes in an instant at the thought and she tried to figure out the best excuse she could use to get away from Trixie, not in a cruel way because she had appreciated this trip a lot, but she couldn’t cry about this in the middle of this random store. She didn’t need to attract _more_ attention.

“Kat?” Trixie noticed the other girls sudden shift in mood almost instantly and immediately grabbed three dresses and pulled them both towards the dressing rooms.  
A good idea, Katya noted, somewhere private but still in the store, why hadn’t she thought of that?

As soon as they got in the back, Trixie grabbed Katya’s hand and gave it a small squeeze that she hoped offered reassurance  
“Did I push this a little too much? Should we go?” she asked and Katya felt her heart tighten at the words. Trixie noticed, she cared enough to give Katya the option.

“I’m being ridiculous” she remarked out loud, and swiped angrily at the tears she had not wanted to fall down her cheeks “I’m just so aware that I don’t belong here”

Trixie was visibly confused at that.  
“Why wouldn’t you belong here Katya?”

The blonde laughed a little, more so out of spite than humour  
“I’m not a woman Trixie- not a _real_ woman. This kind of place doesn’t cater to me- well I mean, not many places cater to me but you know what I mean”

“Can I hug you?” Trixie asked, which Katya appreciated, and unusually enough she craved the physical comfort from Trixie so she nodded in agreement. Once she had the go-ahead, Trixie pulled Katya into her arms and held her close against her as she spoke.  
“Listen to me Katya, please don’t think like that- who says you aren’t a real woman? What even is a real woman? You’re you- and you’re definitely a woman and anyone who doesn’t see that is wrong”

Katya appreciated Trixie’s words- and the fact that she had become such a great trans ally the more she had been educated on the topic, but in that moment Katya found little comfort in the younger girls words. Not that she’d admit it.

“Thank you Trixie”

They pull apart, somewhat hesitantly, and Trixie smiles softly at the other girl.  
“Would you rather we just leave? We can go get Starbucks if you like- I know you’re one of _those_ white girls”

Katya laughed, this time from happiness, and took Trixie up on that offer, after all she wasn’t wrong, Katya really did run on coffee and she lived for Starbucks.

* * *

Katya dragged herself from the warm bed, and the even warmer Trixie, in an attempt to start her morning routine. Since she had begun practically living with the Mattel's fully, she’d had the freedom to be herself more. Trixie’s parents had been accepting of Katya, and that only extended more when they were told that Trixie and Katya had started seeing each other. In fact, herself, Trixie and her mom had what was labelled as a _girls shopping trip_ a couple of weeks ago, where Katya had been treated to different types of makeup, some new shoes - which she had found with ease, thankfully her feet were always small- a few womens shirts that she found suited her quite well, and even the set of pyjamas she had just folded on the bed neatly.

Things were so different now.

As she pulled on her black blouse, which she had paired with the only set of ‘nice’ trousers she owned, she couldn’t contain her smile. This was her life now. How weird was that. Her mornings were spent like this, her being out of bed first and getting ready while Trixie dozed on-and-off until they were surely going to end up late to whatever they were doing that day, usually school. Luckily enough, today was Sunday, so Trixie could afford to take the extra time in bed, Katya just enjoyed being up.

To her surprise, she was barely half way through getting her makeup on when Trixie appeared behind her, and buried her face against Katya’s neck.  
“God it’s like 9am Katya, how do you look so good this early”

Katya felt herself blush at the compliment, happy that the makeup seemed to mostly disguise it  
“The make up helps”  

She felt Trixie shake her head, and she pressed her lips against her neck just for a second  
“It’s natural beauty- I’m so lucky”

That made Katya smile. Trixie was rambling, speaking her thoughts out loud, but they had such meaning and complete adoration behind them that Katya knew she meant them.  
She had been so worried, even in the early days of their relationship that things wouldn’t work between them. Trixie identified as a lesbian, and as much as Katya knew Trixie saw her as a woman she thought that maybe that attraction might not be there for her in the same way it would be for other girls. Girls who were naturally prettier, more feminine - girls who just weren’t her. She was critical, and extremely harsh on herself, and it didn’t help her self confidence. Upon confiding in Trixie about her worries however, she found them all dissolving into nothing. Trixie offered reassurance and promises of her attraction- and they even shared their first particularly passionate kiss almost as a seal of the truth on her words.    

“I’m so happy this all worked out between us Trix” Katya turned away from the small mirror she had been facing and took the younger girl into her lap “you make me really happy”

“I’ve noticed that, and I’m glad, because you make me really happy too Katya- you always have"


End file.
